If you have seen the documentary “I Am Not Your Guru” on Netflix, you have witnessed the transformations that can occur through Tony Robbins Date With Destiny program. This is a 6 day transformational workshop and is led by Tony Robbins himself for all the 6 days. Investment for the workshop is $5000.
My friend Darshan Chavan has attended Date with Destiny workshop on 21st May – 26th May 2017 in Gold Coast, Australia. He made lot of notes during the workshop and agreed to share the notes with me and also gave me permission to share it in my blog.
I have posted his notes below. Please note that not all sentences are grammatically correct.
If you have attended Date with Destiny before, it will be excellent tool for revision. If you haven’t attended the workshop before, it will give you glimpse of the content that is covered.
Darshan has told me to warn you that these notes are not supposed to be taken as replacement of actual workshop. The experience he went through and breakthroughs he got during the workshop can’t be put in to words. He also mentioned this worksop is excellent if you are in relationship and attend it with your partner. After attending Date with Destiny, he got enough confidence and made a decision to start his own Australian based company – Qualification Edge. His company helps people up skill their qualification by recognising the skills and convert in to qualification. It is very useful if you are working in an industry and helps you take your career to next level.
How to read this blog post?
Like I said above, this notes were made during the live workshop. He made notes which he thought were most important. He didn’t write complete grammatically correct sentences.
The notes he made are to the point and each sentence contains lot of wisdom. Look at each sentence as a standalone paragraph. Read the sentence, think about it and then move to the next statement.
Don’t read these notes as any other blog post where author says one idea in 100 words. If you have never heard of Tony Robbins teaching before, then I recommend you to start with his books “Unlimited Power” and “Awaken the giant within”
Day 1 Preparation Day:
Important things covered during Day 1:
- 3 Levels of Mastery
- Who’s love did you crave the most (mother or Father) and what did you have to become to get it,
- 6 Human Needs,
- Learned Helplessness and how to avoid it,
- 3 Decisions shaping your destiny,
- The power of effective blaming
Know what is your core emotional state – the state you will come back to and make sure it’s an empowering one.
Difference between masculine and feminine energy:
- Grows by Praise
- It’s about connection and details
- Need to be understood and listened
- Grows with Challenge
- Kill problem quickly and pretend it’s not there
- It’s all about hierarchy
Repetition is the mother of skill and mastery
3 Levels of Mastery:
- Cognitive Mastery: You just have intellectual understanding. Knowing is not enough
- Emotional Mastery: You feel it and link emotional consequences. Information with emotion is retained
- Physical Mastery: Doing it consistently, you embody it in your physiology. It is your identity.
**DO WHAT YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO DO, NOT TO PLEASE OTHERS.
Q. What’s your way to get LOVE BACK when you are missing it? Who do you have to be?
Q. Who’s love did you crave the most and who did you have to be to get that love?
Q. Who could you never be?
Q. Whose qualities do you like the most? (You are identifying these qualities in you)
Q. Who can’t you stand around or Dislike?
Q. What are the 2 thoughts you get most stressed about?
**IF you want to change someone, be their friend and work with them. Don’t offend them or Force them.
If you want to improve yourself, invest your time, energy and money in seminars, books and audio programs that uplift you.
*All passion is found living on the edge and being uncertain.
**Never let an opportunity pass by. Decide when you are in a peak state and take massive action.
When you are in a moment of insight, do something about THEM. Don’t just go about it.
Be happy, but never UNAUTHENTIC. You must be authentic and TRUE about your situation.
6 HUMAN NEEDS:
- Certainty-Survival or Security
- Significance (Unique, Special and Important)
- Connection and Love- Needs more Vulnerability, but is worth more
- Growth (There is no plateau)
Q. In the way you have lived until now, which needs have you given priority?
Q. What has that cost you?
Q. What should your top 2 needs be to go to the next level?
Q. How will having these top 2 needs change your life completely?
If you Judge someone, you miss the lesson and truth.
If you meet all the 6 needs of that person according to their importance, they will never leave you. If you want to REDUCE PAIN, associate empowering beliefs to all situations (Even the negative ones)
RULES: It’s about how things should be, how people should behave.
**When your present life conditions match your CORE expectations, you will experience HAPPINESS in that area of life. When they don’t match, you experience unhappiness.
You suffer when you believe (feel certain) that you are POWERLESS to change your life conditions and make them equal to your blueprint.
DON’T HAVE TOO MANY RULES, THIS WILL INCREASE YOUR SUFFERING.
Enjoy every moment and find beauty in everything.
Always keep asking: “What else could this mean?” (Tony’s Father in-law Story)
3 decisions we make consciously:
1.What are we going to FOCUS on?
-Focus on missing or having
-Focus on what we can control or can’t control
-Focus on the PAST, PRESENT or the FUTURE
2. What does it mean?
3.What are we going to do about it?
PAIN PROVIDES 3 Choices:
- Ignore and Blame: Events, other and Self
- Change your Life conditions- Yourself First
- Change your Blueprint
When you think Problems are
1.Permanent- No problem is permanent
2.Pervasive- There is no relationship between problems and happiness. You can have a lot of problems and can still be happy 😊
3. Personal (I can’t do anything about it)- You have all the resources and capability to change your situation. It’s not about resources, it’s all about resourcefulness.
”I AM SORRY”
“I LOVE YOU”
“PLEASE FORGIVE ME”
**Take 100% responsibility for your Life and Experience
Don’t beat yourself up for the person you were. You are not the person who had done wrong things in the PAST, you are a totally different person now with new knowledge and insights.
Blame Elegantly, intelligently and Effectively
Blame people for the person you have become because of them. Blame them for all the good. Give them Credit for everything that’s great. Blame them for all BEAUTY in your life now.
QUOTES given by Tony on Day 1:
“You must have Problems in life, they help you GROW and become STRONGER”
“SAFETY sucks the juice out of life”
“Quality of your life is directly proportional to the level of uncertainty you can live with”
“Get in your head, you are dead. Believe in your heart and go for it”
“Make a decision that you will not SUFFER even when things are not going as you want “
“You can’t get a new Life with an old physiology, change the way you move”
“If you always try to fit in, you will never have a life you deserve”
“Your worst nightmares are others gift”
“Life is happening for us, not to us. Including the pain, disappointment and challenges”
“Life is not just about being happy and positive all the time. It’s about living a meaningful life”
“Your decisions determine your destiny”
“If you can’t then you must”
“Leaders don’t follow a culture, they create a culture”
“All suffering is out of obsession about yourself, trade your expectation for appreciation and your life will be blissful”
Day 2-Evaluation Day
Important things covered in day 2
- The Cycle of meaning,
- Spheres of Influence,
- Emotional Triad,
- Power Virtues and Incantations,
- Primary Questions,
- Oneness Blessing.
The Cycle of meaning
Unless our needs are met at a deep level and not a surface level, we will not really be happy.
System or path for creating meaning:
Stimulus -> Beliefs -> Feeling/Emotion-> Behaviour/Action -> Results
Change your emotions and you will change your life. Train yourself to feel good.
**4 mins of Anger and rage shuts down your immune system for 5 hours.
The story we have consciously shapes our life. All your disempowering stories are based on your past.
All stories are based on these elements:
- DESIRE (This desire drives the story) Ex: Arnold True Lies. Slavery to FREEDOM- Fear to greatness. They ultimately succeed because they make a change in their character. They usually have a self-revelation and they decide they need to live life differently. In life, there are lot of times you get something that you desire, but still not happy. The pursuit of a goal is to help you become more.
- Problem, a need
- Worthy Opponent- Bigger the opponent, bigger the hero. Right now, what is your opponent in life. Don’t worry, the bigger it is, the bigger hero you will be. You won’t value something if have not fought for it or struggled for it. If you get it easily, you will lose interest and won’t appreciate it. WE MUST HAVE OBSTACLES, that’s what make what we want interesting.
There are 3 different opponents:
External opponent- That’s something on the outside.
Intimate opponent-A family member, a friend someone you love.
Internal opponent- The fight within yourself. Doing what’s right and doing what you feel like.
- A plan to deal with the opponent
- Battle-The character searches for meaning
- Character experiences self-revelation- This self-revelation can be in the form of new belief’s, values or character traits.
- Equilibrium-Main character transforms. Everybody’s story is a WARNING or an EXAMPLE.
“Life will never be the same”
Q. What’s your OLD story about life been? What’s been the predominant emotions until now?
Q. What’s your new story? The new story you will live by every day.
- Physiology– How you engage your body, your posture, breathing, tone of voice and movement.
- Focus-What are you giving attention to in the movement.
- Language/Meaning– The words you use to describe your experience.
Spheres of Influence
People see their lives through three filters:
We all have 3 spheres of influence, but we tend to value them differently depending on our stages of life. There are advantages and disadvantages on your primary focus.
Q. What does your Sphere look like today? What problems do you predict with this sphere?
Q. What solutions can you implement to solve or minimize these problems? How might you need to change the sphere to be more fulfilled?
*Letting go doesn’t mean you don’t leave them. You need to live their BEST CHARACTER and QUALITIES and make them a part of your story and life.
*If you believe in their LOVE, just exhibit their qualities and release the grief.
*God knows there is a higher purpose.
1. Decide never to suffer. Decide to live in a state of gratitude and grace.
2. Identify your true self.
3. Daily practice questioning your thoughts
An incantation is a phrase or language pattern that is said out loud with an actively engaged physiology. It’s the MOST POWERFUL way for conditioning your new beliefs and identity as it uses all 3 elements of the TRIAD (Physiology, Focus and meaning). It’s more powerful than your belief system because belief just passively resident in your memory. You can believe but not act on it. Incantations becomes an active part of your neurology. It causes you to see, experience and feel better.
“Knowing what you want won’t make you better, SPEAK out what you wish to become”
WHAT YOU CONSISTENTLY SPEAK YOU BECOME, YOU CREATE, YOU FIND AND EXPERIENCE
The strongest force in any human being is to stay in consistency with their IDENTITY
When you want to do something, don’t do the thing (like going on diet). Put yourself in the STATE, where doing the thing becomes automatic
Tony’s whole LIFE has been shaped by incantations. He does the incantations to this day even before he jumps on to the stage every single time. Tony would repeat the incantations for 2 hours repeatedly!! He went from making $38,000 to 1 Million in a year. If you are not using Incantations, you are not using anything Tony teaches.
If one person is more certain than the other, he will eventually influence the other person and convince him. The 5 laws of incantations:
1. Emotional Intensity- The more powerful the EMOTION and the STATE you are in, the more powerful is the effect of incantations. Emotional intensity is everything, that’s how you program the unconscious mind. You become them and embody them Physically again and again over and over. You need to embody the phrases with INTESNE EMOTIONAL INTENSITY. This is what sends a message to your brain that it’s real and creates an anchor in the nervous system. You need to shout and repeat them often
2. Conditioning- Consistency is power. Do it consistently, schedule it and do it as a part of your routine. Make it a daily event. You MUST do it for at least 10 minutes every single day and more as well if possible. You can do this while running, walking, working out. It needs to become a part of your life, it’s not something that you do once. Don’t care about what people think!!
3. Rhythm and Pattern- Make it a part of your natural rhythm of life. Make it sound like a song and you enjoy once you engage in it.
4. Synergy-Try to use all your 5 senses to have maximum impact. Visualize your incantation when you repeat it. Use your external stimuli to stimulate your nervous system in pleasurable and powerful ways.
5. Reward- Incantations are a gift for you. Enjoy and have fun with them.
“Every day in every way am getting better and better, stronger and stronger”
“I feel healthy, I feel happy, I feel terrific”
“I love my life and I am so blessed”
“Thank you, thank you god, thank you”
“Every day in every way I am feeling more and more grateful”
For people seeking perfection:
“I used to think perfection was the only way to be; but now I know that all I need is here inside of me. I appreciate and honour myself and when push comes down to shove. All I have to do is add a bit of love.”
For Significance Seekers:
“I had to be the best; Better than the rest. But now I know I’m good as gold and life is not a test”
“God’s wealth is circulating in my life. His wealth flows to me in avalanches of abundance. All my needs, desires and goals are met instantaneously by infinite intelligence and I give thanks for all my good now and for all god’s riches for I am one with god and god is everything”
Q. List the 3 emotions that will solve all your problems?
Q. How will these emotions CHANGE your story, your life?
A question that we ask every day in our lives that controls our FOCUS and DIRECTION in our lives. It filters your conscious and unconscious thinking on a consistent basis in your life. It is the ultimate filter for what you consistently notice and experience in your life.
We need to discover what our PAST primary question was and then replace it with a new primary question.
Questions to ask before you come up with your primary question!
- What is my outcome or result?
- What is my purpose?
- What is the method or strategy?
- What are my primary beliefs and references?
**MAKE SURE THE PRIMARY QUESTION MEETS MORE OF YOUR PRIMARY NEEDS!!
When your PRIMARY FOCUS is not met, you feel stressed.
When you are living your life in accordance with this primary question, you are fulfilling the purpose of your life. This question will lead to your ultimate opportunity, pleasure and success. If you don’t live by this question, it leads to massive pain in your life. You should associate strong emotional intensity to this question and tie your identity to it.
Examples of Primary Questions:
“How can I appreciate the LOVE that’s inside me more now?”
“How can I be joyfully driven and contribute even more now?”
“Where is the good in this?”
“How can I experience more joy that’s within me?”
“How can I grow even more, connect even more and love even more people so that I can contribute and give more than they can ever imagine?”
***Create an INCANTATION for your new primary question. Use it for 10 days, 3 times a day for a minimum of 5 minutes each time with high emotional intensity.
Quotes made by Tony during day 2:
“Problems are always a sign of life”
“With low energy in life and business things will fall apart. ENERGY IS EVERYTHING”
“The only thing that’s stopping you from getting what you want is the STORY that you tell yourself why you can’t get it.”
“Make your story a significance of love”
“In life getting what you want won’t make you happy, what will make you truly happy is becoming what you are meant to be”
“Allow the mind only to strategize and not to make decisions. Use your heart to make decisions”
“When you are grateful, you are not fearful. When you are grateful a lot of abundance comes out”
“Perfection is the poorest standard. Never go for perfection”
Day 3 discovery day
Topics covered on Day 3:
- Eight levels of consciousness,
- 4 categories of consciousness,
- Values and rules
Tony begins the seminar by talking about how the primary question will help us be in a beautiful state.
**Make sure your primary question and values are easy, but make your GOALS hard.
You stress in your business because there is a lot of friction and you make it more complicated.
**PERFECTION is the lowest standard a human can have. No one can ever be perfect. You will be frustrated and beat yourself up always.
He talks about metals test and below is some information for you if you are interested
Help with results:
(Thank you Brent Dry for giving us this information)
He also talks about Master Co meditation (he spoke in UPW in LA) and how it helps us in maintaining our beautiful state:
4 categories of consciousness
- Egocentric– You care and focus only on yourself. All babies are born ego centric and selfish. There are people who turn old and still behave like babies and can’t feel what others are feeling, this leads to a lot of problems in business and life.
- Ethnocentric-You begin to care about family, friends, people in your circle. You care about people who have the ability to give you pain or pleasure. Some people never leave this stage.
- World Centric– You care about everyone. You feel the pain when someone feels the pain and you feel the joy when they feel joy. They can’t give you pain or pleasure. You feel an emotional connection.
- Spirit centric– You care about everything, every animal, creature and nature. Very few people get to reach this level of consciousness.
**To get out of a problem, you need to get into a higher level of consciousness.
The Chemistry of Transformation
- Satisfaction- We want to grow and move on. Will consider changing.
- Dissatisfaction-Drive to change what you want.
- Emotional Threshold-I cannot live like this anymore. This is bullshit
- A moment of insight
- The opening-Change your identity
The formula for Transformation:
Element of satisfaction+ Element of Dissatisfaction=The atomic power of emotional threshold
Eight levels of Consciousness
Level 8: An Awakened soul (Turquoise)
People at this level feel constant energy and connection not only to people but to all things.
Needs met: Connection and contribution
Level 7: Integrated/Flex-Flow(Yellow)
People at this level want flexibility, spontaneity and functionality. They see differences and integrate them. Tony uses this level a lot while he is doing interventions. They can move easily between all the levels depending on the person they are dealing with and the situation.
Needs met: Connection and contribution
Level 6: Socially Conscious(Green)
They don’t believe in hierarchy, driven by human connection, consensus, feelings, caring. Ex: Green peace Activists
Needs met: Connection and contribution
Level 5: Striver-Driver/ Achiever (Orange)
People at this level are driven by success, materialism, image and status. Science is the king. Ex: Middle men, businesses, corporation.
Needs met: Significance, certainty and growth
Level 4: Order and the Absolute(Blue)
Life is all about rules. You follow you go to heaven, if not you go to hell. There is an authority structure that enforces a code of conduct. The focus is to create meaning, discipline and traditions. The focus is living for later. Ex: Churches, marines and scouts.
Needs met: Significance, certainty
Level 3: Power god (Red)
They care about what they want now and nothing else (Ego-centric) Their primary drive is to exploit. They express themselves impulsively and are unwilling to submit and see themselves separately from others. Ex: Children, rock stars, warlords
Needs met: Significance, certainty
Level 2: Tribal Order (Purple)
Driven by fear and gods. They main leader is very good in telling stories. The focus is safety orientation through rituals, rites, taboo and superstition. Ex: Tribes, gangs, sport teams
Needs met: Certainty
Level 1: Survival/ Instinct Driven(Beige)
The level focuses on survival and safety. Ex: New born baby
Needs met: Certainty
** Always move up and down and use of them accordingly.
When 2 people meet, the person more flexible with the levels wins. You can’t change one level, without experiencing the other. The person with more choices wins.
**It’s important to realize that the same level of consciousness that has created your current problems will not solve them. People move to a higher level when their existing problems become intolerable and change is an absolute must.
Your level of consciousness might fluctuate but Your centre of gravity is driven by what you identify yourself with: a power god, achiever, socially conscious.
**We are all spiralling continually moving between the different levels and across each level as we move through life.
*It’s never the question about religion, it’s the people in it. There are people in any religion who both save lives as well as kill people.
Men go to feminine side when in stress and women go to masculine side.
Freedom=Life for men
They don’t get into commitment, because they don’t want to be controlled.
When a man is appreciated, he will do anything for you.
Praise a woman for a quality trait or behaviour and she will remember that for a long time.
Men- Think about the intent about what women say and what’s the deeper meaning of their words? What do they really mean?
Always find DISEMPOWERING BELIEFs in your failures.
2 Fears that hold people back:
- I am not Enough
- I won’t be loved
Values and Rules
Values control your decision making. If you are crystal clear about your values, decision making will be a breeze. Aligning your actions to your top most values leads to less pain and a more fulfilled life.
A VALUE is an emotional state is an emotional state that we believe is most important for us to experience or avoid.
2 Types of Values:
- Towards Values: Values that we are trying to move towards.
Ex: Love, happiness, compassion, security and gratitude
- Away from Values: Values we are trying to move away from.
Ex: Failure, loneliness, anger and rejection
Q. Which value do you work hardest to experience?
Q. Which value do you work hardest to avoid?
Rules- Are the beliefs we have about what has to happen to experience our values or emotional states.
**Our rules have to be as EASY as possible to experience our TOWARDS value.
**Our rules have to be VERY DIFFICULT to experience negative emotions or away from values.
Bullshit Beliefs to avoid at all costs!!
- I am POWERLESS
- I AM HELPLESS
- I CAN’T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT
- I CAN’T CHANGE
Discovering the OLD values and rules:
To know your old towards values
Q. In the past what has been most important to you in life?
To order and sequence the value
Q. What has been more important for you to feel …………………… or ………………..?
To know your towards rules
Q. In the past what had to happen in order for you to feel ……………..?
Q. In the past what ELSE had to happen in order for you to feel ……….?
To know your old away from Values
Q. In the past, what have been the feelings you would do almost anything to avoid having to feel……………..?
To order and sequence the value
Q. In the past, which of these feelings would you do more to avoid?
………………………… or ………………………… ?
To know your Away rules
In the past what had to happen in order for you to feel…………………?
**When 2 values match close, then ask and look for the definition of each value. Which feeling is more important for you to express in the past.
Quotes made by Tony during day 3:
“You have to push yourself through the hole, no one else can do this for you!!”
“If certainty and significance is the priority in any relationship, then it is totally messed”
Day 4- Relationship Day
Important things covered during DAY 4 :
- Goal Setting,
- Masculine and feminine energy(Polarity),
- 6 positions of relationship,
- 3 dimensions of relationships,
- 5 relationship stressors,
- lack of intimacy,
- Relationship vision
Goal setting is needed to discover what our ultimate destiny is and who we want to become.
**Be un realistic in your GOAL, never set your goal depending on your current situation.
Don’t have any regrets about owning nice and beautiful things and share it.
You need to set goals on these areas:
- Things you want
- Experiences you want
- Economic-Portfolio, assets
- Contribution-How much MONEY you want to give and when?
Divide your goals into Short Term, Medium Term and Long term.
Questions to ask before you get started with your goals
Q1. Brain storm a list of anything you would like to achieve, create, give, have or experience in the next 20 years.
Q2. In this list write down 1,3,5,10 or 20 years next to each goal to indicate how long it will take you to achieve them.
Q3. Review your list again and choose your top 4 one-year goals. Write down why you will absolutely achieve this goal within the next 12 months?
Q4. Write down what kind of a person it will take to achieve all that you want. Describe the character traits, values, beliefs, virtues this person would embody.
There is no greater source of joy, happiness and fulfilment and also sorrow, heartbreak and pain then the area of human relationships.
**The main purpose of relationships is to magnify human emotion.
There is no amount of money or status that will ever come close to the power of fulfillment that comes from a passionate, loving relationship with someone you worship and who worships you.
The ultimate key to creating and experiencing an extraordinary and fulfilling relationship is to work on you:
- Constantly strive to strip away your fears
- Be more of who you are at your core
- Decide to focus on what you can give to your partner
Masculine and Feminine Energy (The power of polarity)
**The more opposed the sexual energies between two people, the stronger the attraction will be in a relationship. Same energies end relationship. i.e. if both are ‘masculine’ then the attraction is diminished. Whereas, if one Is extremely ‘feminine’ and the other ‘masculine’ then physical attraction will be maximised.
The energies are not gender based, both male and female can embody either energy. The most important thing is to know what your true nature is and to embody it.
DEPOLARIZATION occurs by doing things that take away from the other person their sexual essence.
Ex: Telling a man he can’t drive or he is wrong. Telling a woman, she is worn out and looks ugly.
Differences between Feminine Energy and Masculine Energy
|Feminine Energy||Masculine Energy|
|1.Tries to fill up with love, energy and attention. Energy is based on attraction and enhancement.||Tries to empty and let go. Seeks release from burdens of life, relationship. Strives to break free to ultimate ecstasy and freedom.|
|2.Makes small things big. Hangs onto everything, stays too long, hears mood and tone. Speaks emotions.||Makes big things small. Finds it easy to let go and leave, speaks words and not emotions|
|3.Wants to be understood. Desires to be noticed and praised. Lives in a world of sensation, the body, connections to the flow of elements and natural forces. Addicted to ways of filling her sense of emptiness. Wants to be owned||Wants to be appreciated. Responds to challenge and comes alive at edge. Loves competitions and testing themselves. Wants to possess. Addicted to emptying himself and releasing himself. Loves FREEDOM|
|4.Looking for love- Ways to magnify radiance and beauty||Looking for trouble-Solve a problem and fix it quickly (Even when there isn’t one)|
|5.Interruption does not exist as she is in a constant state of flow||Can focus on only one mode at a time and single task at hand.|
|6.Driven by emotions in an intimate relationship. Feminine force is about opening to love and giving love.||Driven by direction in life or mission|
|7.Storm of light. Open, free, flowing, full of life and energy, nurturing.||Storm of peace. Strong physical presence, centeredness, rigidity and a feeling of unwavering purpose and strength|
Start with friendship and then become passionate about relationship.
“Satisfied customers leave, raving fans stay”
Know the top 3 needs of your partner and satisfy them at all cost.
Women think by being not happy I can control him.
**Men love women who enjoy themselves and have fun. BEAUTIFUL STATE attracts everyone.
We must learn to give our gifts and love unconditionally.
95% of relationship works on selection. Selecting the right part of you.
**Which one trait attracted your partner, is it still there and is it active?
Selection come from, people are pulled together and end up in a relationship because of:
- Proximity 2. Chemistry 3. Convenience
You first need to become the kind of person you want to attract in your relationship.
A person’s nature is unlikely to change, so know who you are in relationship with.
**To have a fulfilling relationship, we must get rid of the belief that our partner determines how we feel. ONLY WE DETERMINE HOW WE FEEL.
**In a relationship, focus on being happy than being right.
**Even if someone hates you, do the right thing for them.
6 positions of a relationship
1.In a magnificent relationship with love and passion– You are insanely passionate and engaged with your partner’s spirit.
2. In a relationship with love, but very less or no passion– You have a great friendship.
3.In a relationship with not much love and passion-You know it’s not a right relationship, you are there just for convenience.
4.In a relationship and planning an escape.
5.Not in a relationship, but want to be in one.
6. You are not in a relationship and don’t want to be in one.
3 dimensions of a relationship
- It’s all about yourself (egocentric Level)
You focus on what you are getting out of the relationship. You control things based on the outside world.
- It’s all about equality (Ethnocentric Level)
I will take care of myself and you will take care of yourself and we will try to take care of each other.
- Your needs are my needs (Word or Spirit Centric Level)
You take complete and TOTAL responsibility for how the other person feels. You won’t stop or give up until you meet your partner’s need.
5 relationship stressors
The key to avoiding pitfalls in a relationship is to understand the common stressors that can negatively impact our relationships. The secret to reduce these stressors is to communicate with your partner about these:
Loss of Attraction:
The only difference between an intimate relationship and friendship is INTIMACY. When desire and deep connection fades, you lose passion.
Attraction diminishes because of depolarization. Depolarization is the absence of masculine and feminine energies between them. Attraction can shift and increase when a woman goes from being tight and controlling to FREE and RADIANT and when the husband makes her feel appreciated, needed and loved.
Irritation, Frustration, Emotional Stacking and Stonewalling
To have a good relationship you need to have 5 times more positive communications as negative ones. When you lose attraction, and won’t communicate you experience the 4R’s:
- Resistance: When your partner does something and it bothers you, and choose not to say anything. It later stacks and becomes resentment
- Resentment: Resistance when goes deeper leads to tension which you won’t address.
- Rejection: There is a level of toxicity and abrasiveness. You get tired of being harsh with each other and move into Repression.
- Repression: You reach a level of numbness and learned helplessness. You lower your expectation of relationship and start concentrating on your work, kids, friends.
**The easiest way to reverse this is to have openness, connection and love with each other.
Loss of Physical Passion
Because you feel misunderstood and neglected by each other there won’t be any passion. Your partner withholds love and intimacy, you feel learned helplessness, because you can’t please them.
Loss of commitment
Because of the loss of attraction and passion, you fail to understand and meet your partners need. Loss in commitment occurs when you don’t feel needed, appreciated or understood. Your energy goes somewhere else such as office, friends and others.
The only way to stop this is to remember that no one else has a higher priority than your partner. You must make your partner feel that fulfilling his/her needs is a MUST for you.
**IF you keep looking at each other in stress, you will start to associate each other with stress.
**Do what you did in the beginning of your relationship and there won’t be an end.
Story of incompatibility
Incompatibility comes from not meeting each other’s needs.
You must take control of the meaning and story you associate to your partner, you will always find evidence to make it true.
**We have the power to control the stories that define us and our relationships.
Causes for lack of Intimacy
3 U’s of Feminine
- Unseen– Give her attention, all the time
- Not understood-Give her real presence, all the time
- Unsafe and can’t trust-Give reassurance, all the time
3C’s of Masculine
- Criticized– Admire and appreciate
- Closed-Be open and playful
- Controlled– Give FREEDOM and love
Questions to ask and answer before you create your relationship vision:
Q1. Describe your ideal relationship. Write down everything you want. What would your relationship look like? What’s the impact of this relationship? What would this relationship serve? What would it inspire? What would it bring to your life? Once done, cross out anything that doesn’t inspire you.
Q2. What’s stopping you from creating this vision? What have you valued more than this intimate relationship? What limiting beliefs’ or rules have you put your energies into? After you are done, write down what you are going to do now instead?
Q3. Where are your relationships right now? How would you describe them?
Q4. What are you going to do now to make your vision a reality?
Quotes made by Tony during the day:
“What makes our relationship work is commonality and that one that makes it passionate is differences in energy”
“You must condition yourself or the culture will condition you”
“Life is found between your desires and fears. To be happy, content and wealthy increase your desires and reduce your fears”
“The purpose of a relationship is to grow. You can’t grow until you keep blaming”
“Convenience crushes the soul”
“Pain is real, suffering is a choice”
Day 5 -Transformation Day
Important things covered during this day 5:
- How to give Feedback,
- Designing your new values and rules,
- Mission statement
Feedback is extremely important in life. Learn to accept feedback and improve on it.
Process for giving effective feedback:
- First tell people about what is great. At least 2-3 things. Be authentic and great.
- Tell them what can be different or challenging
- End with giving another positive feedback.
When you are coaching, don’t judge or guess what people are saying. Ask them questions and work around their values.
RESPECT- People who have this as their highest value are always angry 😊
Designing your new Values and Rules
Designing your NEW VALUES AND RULES Consists of 4 CHUNKS:
**Use gestures with intense emotion when asking these questions. Make sure you are in a PEAK STATE!!
CHUNK 1[Towards Values]
Different questions involved in knowing your new values
- Clarify your Destiny
- What kind of a person do I ultimately want to become in my lifetime?
- What do I want my life to really be about?
- What do my highest values need to be in order to achieve my ultimate destiny?
- View your current list and ask: What do I gain by having this value in this position on my list?
- What could it cost me to have this value in this position on my list?
**Keep alternating between 3 and 4 to order your values and know exactly its relevance.
- What values do I need to eliminate in order to achieve my ultimate destiny?
- What other values do I need to add in order to achieve my ultimate destiny?
- What order do these values need to be in, in order to achieve my ultimate destiny?
- Make certain there are no conflicts in the hierarchy and sequence.
CHUNK 2[Towards Rules]
**Anytime I do any of these, I will be happy
1.Make it EASY to experience. Language your towards rules like : “ Anytime I……
2. Make a menu (Points) : “Anytime I do…..” a) or b) or C) or D.
3. You must be in control; the outside world does not determine your experience.
Example of Towards Values and Rules:
Values: I MOVE TOWARDS LOVE.
RULES: I experience love anytime I…..
- Am loving OR
- Am warm towards others OR
- Remember the love I always have in my heart OR
- Notice the love in others
CHUNK 3 [Away Values]
- Think about and make a list of away from values based on the following question:
What emotional states do in need to avoid indulging in to achieve my ultimate destiny?
- Which away from values do I need to avoid most in order to achieve my ultimate destiny?
(Put those value in hierarchy)
CHUNK 4 [Away rules]
**Only if I do it CONSISTENTLY I feel like shit
- Make it hard to experience your away from values so that you would have to do something consistently to experience the negative.
- Language your away rules to make them hard to experience
“Only if I were to CONSISTENTLY….
- Believe in the ILLUSION that… (I’m negative)”
- Focus on the FALSE BELIEF that someone can …………. (Embarrass me)”
- State the SOLUTION for your away from rules in the following manner:
“I avoid the consistent illusion of failure.”
“I would experience this only if I were to consistently focus on the false belief that I can always fail, instead of… (Realizing that I have succeeded any time I learn something and give 100 %)
Examples: Away from Values and Rules
- Consistent inappropriate debilitating anger
ONLY if I were to CONSISTENLY treat people harshly, INSTEAD of remembering that everyone has different rules, they are doing the best they can with the resources they have, and it’s not about me.
- Consistent inappropriate feeling of rejection
ONLY if I were to CONSISTENTLY believe in the ILLUSSION (write this in-between the PATTERN) that someone can reject me, instead of realizing that I am the only person who determines how I feel.
- Consistent debilitating illusion of Failure
Only if I were to CONSISTENTLY focus on the FALSE BELIEF (use words that break up the pattern) that I can fail, instead of realizing that I have succeeded any time I learn something and give 100 %.
TOWARDS VALUES AND RULES
- Anytime I am warm towards others, OR
- Anytime I am loving OR
- Anytime I remember the love I always have in my heart, OR
- Anytime I notice the love in others, OR
- Anytime I love the playful child in me
- Anytime I treat my body with love and respect OR
- Anytime I exercise, OR
- Anytime I push my body to expand its present limits
- Anytime I am grateful for being alive, OR
- Anytime I achieve an outcome, OR
- Anytime I hold myself to my standards, OR
- Anytime I stretch myself beyond my present limits, OR
- Anytime I get other people to be the most they can be
AWAY VALUES AND RULES
Consistent, inappropriate, overwhelming, debilitating anger
Only if I were to consistently react in the moment with harshness or intensity, instead of remembering that I alone have the power to decide what thing mean.
Consistent, inappropriate frustration
Only if I were to consistently believe in the false illusion that I can’t do anything to resolve or improve the situation, instead of remembering that I am resourceful, committed and determined and that if it’s meant to be, I can make anything happen.
Consistent, debilitating self-pity
Only if I were to consistently lie to myself and believe that I am a victim, instead of remembering how fortunate I really am and that my life is blessed the moment I decide to notice it.
Rules for creating a mission statement:
- It should be positive and must have “BE” and “DO” Statements.
- Be brief, include yourself and others, should be able to experience every day.
- Eliminate Universals such as ALL and EVERY.
- Use EMOTIONALLY CHARGED Words.
Ex: The purpose of my life is to be……………………………………….., enjoy…………………………………. and do ……………. For myself and others.
** When you are in a LOUSY STATE you don’t give a damn, when you are in a HIGH ENERGY STATE you do everything to get what you want.
With perfection, you just portray yourself as an achiever, but beat yourself always.
*Write your emotions that you experience in a week and think if this will lead you to your destiny.
All decisions are value clarifications.
If you are crystal clear about your values you make very effective and easy decisions.
**The level next to forgiveness is forgiveness with gratitude. THANK THAT IT HAPPENED TO YOU
If you want to be perfect/good in everyone’s eye you can never be fulfilled. You will be in deep pain. You can never make everyone happy with you.
People indulge in physical ABUSE only when they have SIGNIFICANCE as the biggest and top most value.
Anything less than truth is not vulnerable.
“In life you don’t get things, you do things”
Day 6-Integration Day
Topics covered during this day
- 3D process (Closed eye process),
- Integration process,
- Creating the 7th Power
*Make your Poster or vision board very VISUAL
**Take 60 days and meet all of your partner’s needs. You remain completely un-selfish and don’t expect anything. This will change your relationship and take it to a whole new level.
Scarcity of time creates a lot of confusion, so step out of the rhythm and do PRIMING early in the morning.
“Crying from a hurt place is BAD, you will train yourself to be always in PAIN.
Ask, what is magnificent in my life now? What is superb about my life today?
Let your heart decide, not your mind.
**Whenever you are upset with someone, you are not upset with them, but their RULES.
You need to separate the person from the behaviour.
When we BELIEVE our stressful thoughts, we are messed up.
“Reward people for small improvements, than just waiting for the end result. Don’t wait for the end behaviour”
When women get scared, they get angry.
**When having an argument with your partner, always paly fight. Just don’t go over the EDGE and make it mean. Make it funny.
Earliest memory and closed eye (3D process)
We did a closed eye process of visualization where we remembered the earliest memory of our life.
We decide how it will serve us in the future, what all decisions we have made as a result of it and how it will change our life forever.
Do this process with extremely high energy and you should be in very peak state. Internalize these things deep inside your body. Own it, don’t do It to convince other people.
**To heck with tiredness, this is where you have to go full out, when it is the END.
I (your name) see, hear, feel and know…
I am ……….
The purpose of my life is to….
Must be stated as:
“I William Howard will no longer indulge in the debilitating emotion of anger because it destroys an emotion of anger because it destroys any connection I have with those I care about and it’s simply not who I am. Who I really am is a passionate, caring and loving person. And, in order to indulge in that, I have to forget that everyone has different rules. Instead, all I have to do is smile and remember that they are doing the best they can with the resources they have. When I do this my life is magical. This is how I am committed to living my life”
- What I learned
- The most important things I have learned here are……
- I know the decisions I have made here will change my life forever because…..
“Do the right things at the right time, doing the right thing at the wrong time is disastrous.”
**The biggest problem people have is the addiction to their problem.
Always keep asking “How can I love and appreciate even more of what god has given me?”
7th Power- The power of environment
- Create the environment upon your return home. Write 2 letters now to people who will hold you to your new standards.
- Have your poster FRAMED
- Ask your new PRIMARY QUESTION and do the INCANTATION with total joy and intensity twice per day.
- Go into your POWER VIRTUE states consciously twice per day.
- Set up your game plan for rewards.
- Workout in the GYM.
- Treat yourself kindly, catch yourself doing little things right.
THE QUALITY OF YOUR LIFE IS A DIRECT REFLECTION OF THE EXPECTATION OF YOUR PEER GROUP. CHOOSE YOUR PEERS WISELY!!
All the Best